My belief in God is not anything that I have ever questioned. I BELIEVE in God. Now, putting my complete trust in Him, giving it all to Him, handing my life over to Him, is a different story. I believe there is a God but have this ability to leave it at that. I find it hard to put my total faith in Him. It's almost seems when I look back over the last year that I have specifically pulled myself back and hidden from Him altogether. I have this desire but to actually put forth the effort isn't something I have done. I know I feel God's presence and know that I have definitely seen His amazing love. BUT, I kept holding myself back. Over and over again.
That is until two weeks ago. I made the conscious decision to have God IN my life. To surround my life in Him. I can honestly say for the very first time, I am making the effort. I am all in. This, being "all in" is something that was discussed in church and for once it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I have to choose to be "all in." I have to choose to live the life that I am created to live. I have to choose HIM. He has already chosen me.
Making this decision has been, oh I don't know how to word it, but amazing. I took up the challenge our pastor gave us in reading the Bible everyday. For the first time in my life, I am actually doing it. I am not going to say it's easy, it's been a struggle to try to understand but I am reading.
I am rambling on but I just have to put it out there. Through all this I have to speak of the change that is occurring. My husband who has always been about the same, believed but not putting forth the effort, is involving himself. I can say for years I have struggled with having the desire but just not doing it. My husband, he has been indifferent to the entire thing. He will tell you he believes but that's where it ends. But for the first time, he is willing to go to church. He is willing to get up and go. This alone is a huge deal for us. It's not just that he is willing to go though, he is involving himself in church. Without me pushing or even asking, he is involving himself in the men's group. He is reading the Bible. He is putting forth the effort to be "all in."
I remember meeting Hollie over a year ago and telling her this was one of the things that was disappointing to me because I wanted my husband to go with me. She told me then that she understood that but I need to make an effort to go regardless. It's funny when I finally decide that whether he is going with me or not, I will go. And here I am going, and here he is, going with me. It's an amazing feeling. He is going with me when, in fact, he could just stay him and he knows I wouldn't give him a hard time. I, also, know that I am to a point that when he is working, I can and will still go.
We are in a time in our life where things are unsettling. We are very unsure of many, many things in our future. Things in our life are changing at a rapid pace. I am not handling the uncertainty in the best way. Our marriage, is going through a LOT. It's been a tough go BUT for once, I can FEEL, really FEEL, that I am putting my trust and faith in God. I am not saying it will be all rainbows. I am not saying by believing in God that it will simply take away all the struggles and make life easy but through the struggles, I KNOW that I will have God by my side. I know that we have finally found a home church. A church that when I walk in, I can feel an overwhelming love from people who know we are not perfect.