Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Just hit Publish

***This post comes from yesterday. I wouldn't hit publish. I always hesitate when I post something really honest and maybe not so peppy happy. This is part of me forcing myself to just hit the publish button and blog with honesty.***

Living in a constant state of uncertainty makes for one to sometimes be extremely grumpy. Or maybe that's putting it mildly, I am angry. Justified anger? Not sure. Irrationally angry? Probably. How do I go about making it go away? Not a clue.

I have this pattern of putting on some worship music and zoning out lately. I try to sort through everything going on and I can't seem to get my mind to calm down. It like there is this massive raging storm going on. A storm that I can't seem to talk to anyone about. Not completely anyways. I put on this music and have these conversations with myself, with God, and just try to grasp some since of peace.

And it's not like it's just one topic that is an issue. It is sooo many overwhelming things going on around here that I feel like I'm drowning. I can't catch a breath. And what results from all this, is an angry person. Oh, I cover it up for the most part, the angry stays on the inside. Mostly. The husband catches glimpses of it occasionally but I try not to let it touch him because he has the world sitting on his shoulders.

Don't get me wrong. I have loads of happy around. I feel and experience happy everyday. I love my kids, they are a huge happy, bright spot. The husband, he's a happy spot, he's just gone so much that I miss my happy with him. I have this amazing family that i am surrounded with love. Those are what matter most, along with my faith.

It's just these other situations, they sit in the background and fester. When I lay down at night, I can't sleep. Then comes the stress, the worry, the panic. The inward insanity and it's like it all festers long enough that I get angry. And then I pray, because, angry is not where I want to be.

How do you process your stress or worry? What helps you calm down and feel peace?

1 comment:

Elizabeth said...

Praying for you my blog friend!